One night, I opened SNS and found my timeline filled with a product from a stranger. The post said they had started working on it alone half a year ago and had just released it last week. Comments kept pouring in: "This is exactly what I wanted," "I've already started using it," "Looking forward to the next update." Lily scrolled through the screen for a while. I thought it was amazing. I really did think it was amazing. But at the same time, something heavy seemed to fall into my chest, and before I knew it, it was past 1 AM. I want to write honestly about how I felt that night. It's not a happy story or a success story—it's a story about feeling down, struggling, but taking a small step forward. When you're doing personal development projects, there are nights when you find yourself feeling heavy while watching someone else's success. Lily has experienced such nights several times.
At first, I didn't want to call my emotion "jealousy."
I wanted to think in my head that I was "purely admiring them" or "getting inspired," but honestly, that wasn't all of it. While looking at that person's product, Lily was remembering what I was making (or rather, not making). Something that had only been in the planning stage since half a year ago. Something that seemed like it would be finished last month but I gave up on. Something sleeping in a folder that I said "I'll continue later."
Why am I so slow when other people are moving forward?
The moment I thought that, envy appeared with a clear outline. It was an emotion I didn't want to admit. But it was real, it was always there in my chest, and it didn't disappear even when I looked away.
Guilt About "Comparing Myself"
When I talk to people doing personal development, surprisingly many of them have these kinds of feelings.
"I saw that person's numbers and my motivation dropped," "When I see something going viral, I feel miserable," "Other people are moving forward, but I feel like I'm stuck." No one says it out loud, but when you're alone looking at the screen at night, those feelings come creeping in.
That night, Lily was comparing too. And I hated myself for comparing, which made me feel even worse. On top of the envy, guilt piled up—"I'm a bad person for feeling this way." It was heavy.
The next day, while working, I was thinking vaguely about that night.
Why was it so hard? And then it suddenly occurred to me. When I see someone going viral in a genre I'm not interested in, I don't feel nearly as down. When a celebrity I don't follow wins an award, I just think "oh, that's amazing." But why did I feel so heavy last night? It was because that product was right in the middle of an area where I "haven't given up yet."
Being envious means you want to go there too.
If I had given up, I wouldn't even feel envious. That heaviness might have been proof that I haven't given up yet.
Emotions Became a Map of What I Want
The moment that thought came to me, I could breathe a little easier.
Instead of putting a lid on envy and longing as "ugly emotions," if you reverse-engineer them and ask "where is this emotion coming from?", sometimes they look like a map of what you really want to do. I realized that what made me feel down wasn't so much envy of revenue, but rather envy of someone being able to put a product into the world that helps people. Having users. Getting feedback. Having something you created be used in someone's day.
Oh, that's what I want. I thought. Not numbers—that's what I wanted.
After calming down a bit, I looked back at what I'd done over the past half year.
When I really looked back, it hurt.
The Loop of Starting and Stopping
I started three projects.
The first was a tool to automatically organize weekly notes. I started making it because I thought I could use it at work, but as I was making it, I started thinking "would anyone other than me use this?" and I stopped. Next was an app for language learning in a more relaxed way. It took shape partway through, but I found something similar and my motivation dropped. The third one I'm still making slowly. But "slowly" is another way of saying "I haven't touched it in over a month."
The reasons for stopping are different each time, but what they have in common is "giving up before release."
The Real Reason I Can't Release
The moment Lily was most honest with myself was when I realized "I'm afraid to put it out."
The fear that no one will use it. If I publish what I made and there's silence. If someone criticizes it. If people think "is that all?" It's safer to keep it as "something that will be completed someday" than to actually finish it. I'm afraid to put it out imperfectly. I think that kind of psychology was one of the reasons I kept stopping.
Getting sentimental won't change the situation, so I decided to do just one thing.
Just one. It doesn't have to be big.
I listed what features of the product I'm making now could be cut and still work. I removed everything that wasn't core and narrowed it down to the absolute minimum. When I did this work, the outline became surprisingly clear. I realized that things I thought "this feature is essential" actually work fine without. Conversely, parts I had put off thinking "it's nice to have but not necessary" turned out to be the most important.
I Decided the Release Date First
I did one more thing: I decided the release date in advance.
Not "when I'm ready," but "I'm releasing on ○/○." Then I work backwards from that date. It doesn't have to be perfect; I just need to get it to a releasable state by that day. Once I decided that, strangely, I could start moving. It's true that people move when there's a deadline, and I realized that even a deadline I set for myself works to some degree.
I Showed a Little of the Work in Progress
There's one more thing I did.
I posted a screenshot of what I'm making on SNS. Not the finished version. Just work in progress—"I'm making something like this." I posted it nervously, and there was more response than I expected, and each one became fuel for the next step. Being seen gave me more reasons to continue. Instead of publishing after completion, showing it while making it had the effect of pushing myself a little.
A little time has passed since that night, and Lily is making a product again.
It's not finished, and I haven't released it yet. But I opened the file for the first time in a while and made a little progress. And that feels good today. It's not flashy progress, but the fact that I moved has become a real sense of accomplishment for me.
You Don't Have to Be Ashamed of Jealousy
I'll probably keep feeling envious when I see other people's success.
There will be nights when someone's product goes viral, nights when I feel down knowing someone is ahead of me. But now I can think that I don't have to be ashamed of that emotion as "proof I'm bad." Being envious means you still want to go there. It means you haven't let go yet. Someone who has given up wouldn't even feel envious.
That heaviness was a signal. A signal from inside myself saying "it's okay to keep going."
Continuing Quietly Is Probably the Strongest
Personal development projects often don't show flashy progress.
Whether something goes viral is honestly partly luck, and even amazing things don't always reach people. But people who keep going quietly sometimes end up far ahead before you know it. Lily admires those people. I don't need a day when I can say "I succeeded" in a loud voice; I just want to keep moving my hands. To do that, I want to not be ashamed of envy and use it as a map.
A little time has passed since the night I felt jealous, and Lily is making again.
I'll report when it's done. I'll probably release it even if it's awkward. It might reach someone, or it might not. But not putting it out is worse. I think that night's heaviness was a reason to keep going.
If there's someone out there scrolling through their timeline in the middle of the night and feeling heavy. That emotion probably isn't a flaw. I think it's a signal from inside yourself saying it's okay to keep going. Let's make things together, even if slowly.
Lily (@bokuwalily) — Personal developer. Making iOS apps and web services with AI as my partner.
